Keeping Busy is Just Wasting Time

It's been awhile since I posted.

Well, not much has changed.

I still hate hate hate analysis. Honestly, upon further evaluation...it's not analysis. It's my professor. I have story upon story as to why I can't stand him and why he is ruining my life, but I'm not going to do this now.

I have another analysis exam this week. I will probably fail this one too, just like last time. And last time, I got all the answers right...he just didn't like the way I worded stuff so he took off over half the points on most of my work.

I am .so. doomed.

Someone. anyone. please come and over hug me :( And then clean my apartment and do my dishes and make me dinner. I don't have time for any of these things right now.

A good note is that I had an interview for an internship earlier this month. If they are going to reject me, I hope that they don't do it this week...because I can't be anymore devastated than I am right now.

Aside from analysis ruining my life, things are good. At least, I think they are. I'm going back to the city next weekend, so that's exciting. I keep thinking about how much I can't wait to be there, see the city skyline, be with friends, be in the culture...ahhhhh...

There's a giant dark cloud looming over my head and making me want to cry, so perhaps I will post after my exam on Thursday.

UGH. FUCK ANALYSIS.

The good: I can prove alot of things in analysis that I never could before. Yo epsilon can suck on ma' delta.

The bad: My analysis exam is Thursday, I have a point-set topology exam Monday and then an abstract algebra exam next Thursday.

The ugly: I don't really want to go to the library and study right now.

So. I figured...why not blog?

Life in grad school has been much different from life in Chicago, and not just because I'm in a small town again studying instead of working.

I have been keeping to a workout routine since I moved to Btown. I heard if you keep something up for 3 weeks, it becomes a habit...and I suppose I would agree with that. I've never Really stuck to a routine, and I'm getting there. I think I'm going to sign up for a half-marathon that my friend is doing. I am DETERMINED to not get injured this time. It isn't till April of next year, so I have PLENTY of time this time to NOT get injured.

Also, getting Very into cooking. I thought I had sworn off cooking and I would never cook again. Rosona had told me she found it very therapeutic after a day of work...and I'm going to have to agree. I am trying to compile recipes and maybe cook something new/simple each week.

Also, still very much into wine. I met a couple that are also winos, and man...we are like a match made in heaven. I need to start posting tasting notes...

Other than that, I am going back to the city in 2 weeks. I cannot wait for the rush that comes with getting on the L. I would LOVE to go back to the city on Thursday night for the Green Mill (be still my heart)...but I am supposed to be caravaning up there for that Skye/Frida thing. I am starting to think I might skip the workshop though and just hang out in the city with friends or by myself...some days...I can't help but desperately miss my old life...

So...on a good note...I might be understanding analysis for the first time ever.

Grad school is alot of work. And pain. Just a few years that I gotta hold out though...

Oh. The guilt of being a grad student.

I worked all day on my homework...didn't finish it of course...but I should be in good shape to finish it at a reasonable hour tomorrow.

When I finish homework at a reasonable hour, I almost don't know what to do with myself.

I have my first round of exams coming up.

I'm not going to lie. It's been very difficult controlling my anxiety. But it's been going alot better than...undergrad.

But I feel very lucky to be here. I still can't believe I'm here. And...I have the greatest group of classmates. I couldn't ask for a better group of people to work/play with.

Ugh. Anxiety. Go away!

1. Omg. I HATE HATE HAAAAATE ANALYSIS. We spent 8 hours solving TWO problems out of like 12. Thankfully the others were much easier, but I seriously just don't want to spend that much time on analysis ever. Ugh. I can't believe I have to go through this pain for the next two years. It's sucking the joy out of all my other classes.

2. Besides school, grad school is still supremely awesome. I am working on a blog called, "In Pictures: What There is To Do in Indiana." It will take me awhile to get all the pictures, but it's going to be a treat, I assure you.

Gah. I am living a double life.

This was my undergrad blog. I updated about frilly things. And then it was my work blog. I am not sure if I should keep this blog up still because...

as I said, I have a new blog. You can see it here.

But the thing is, it's going to be a purely professional blog. I'll occassionally write amusing tales about grad school, but I mainly want to focus on the grad school process, projects and career process. I am using the blog as a tool for if recruiters maybe maybe fine me...

So. I'm torn. Do I keep this up with musings and boring details of my dull little life? Hehehehe. I dunno. I can only keep up so many blogs people!

Anyways. Read that blog!

But class started. And up until tonight, I was still in a funk about my perpetual state of FML (fuck my life). I tutored tonight though, and it went well, and maybe I can get out of this funk finally...life can be so dumb sometimes...

Okay. So I typically say bad things come in mod 3.

So if 3 bad things happen, then I am either in the clear or another 3 bad things will happen.

Well currently I'm on 6 bad things. Seriously, karma, THROW ME A FRIGGIN BONE HERE.

A partial list:
-favorite night of the week was rained out
-failed my qual and my adviser kicked my ego harder than I imagined
-lost the diamond bracelet that was my undergraduate graduation present
-car dying on the way back to Btown
-someone is currently parked in my parking spot and I don't know who to call to tow

Okay. Look. This has got to be it. No more bad things.

Class starts tomorrow! So starts my new new life!

HEY!

Guess what!!!!

I'M TAKING MY FIRST QUALIFYING EXAM FOR MATH GRAD SCHOOL TODAY!!!!!!!!!

Am I going to pass it? Ehhhh...I don't know shit about fields, and I'm pretty weak with polynomial rings, sooooo...we'll see.... BUT IT'S OKAY if I don't because I have another 3 tries to pass this thing.

But this is it man! I'm doing this! Grad school is fo' real!!!

Following that...a trip to Chicago for a few days. THEN, classes start. And the next 2 years are just going to fly by filled with math and fun...and then I'll be back in Chicago before I know it with a sweeeet quant job! YESSIR!

So. An update on life.

Went to NYC - that was awesome.

Moved permanently to Bloomington. It has been pretty fun overall.

But right now, I am in a giant cluster fuck because this whole grad school thing finally hit me.

1. I keep telling myself that Indiana made a mistake. I know objectively that's not true, but I keep feeling like I don't belong here and I'm not smart enough to be here. You don't need to tell me that that is ridiculous, because I already know.
2. I can't explain my frustrations to most people because they aren't in math grad school so they can't possibly understand what I'm going through.
3. I don't really feel like I can talk to my parents about this at all. They really have absolutely no clue what I'm doing out here. I get SUPER frustrated when they try to tell me what I should be doing down here, because they don't know and they really can't help me but I wish they could?

So this pretty much means I have to learn to lean on the other grad students. I won't forget what Adam, one of the second years, told me when I was first freaking out about going to grad school. He said that the people down here will become you family, and I'm starting to think that's very true. We don't have an engineering school at IU, so there aren't a ton of grad students completely freaking out about quals everywhere like there was at UIUC.

I dunno. I can deal with it. I swear. I can deal with it. It's just frustrating and I'm not used to it yet.

This was my first weekend of staying in and doing nothing but studying. It was...sobering to say the least, if not also slightly isolating.

And so I take my first qualifying exam on Tuesday, and I am just excited to get it over with. I am not sure that I will pass, but I keep telling myself to do my best. But my head can only take in so much new material before Tuesday, and it's starting to swell.

Ugh.

/whine

So, I need to write a post about grad school...but I should actually take a second to say that I am going to be starting a new blog at my new website, jenniferannehill.com. But I found out some news that I think really trumps grad school and I really need to speak on it.

I recently found out that Tessa Oberg passed away. She actually passed away 2 days ago. She was one of the first dancers I got to know in the CU swing scene, and I was actually just so shocked by the sad sad news.

First of all, I will say that I was not particularly close to Tessa. But I was always so amazed by the energy she had for life. The more that I found out about her, the more than she impressed me.

Tessa loved what she studied. I remember seeing her light up when she would talk about what she studied, and I would watch her and wish I had that kind of passion. She loved to dance, and she always looked so happy when she was dancing. And she was so incredibly confident that it was just so inspiring.

I remember one day that Tessa told me that she had seizures, and I was blown away by the way that she talked about it. She was so incredibly strong about it, and she just seemed to "deal with it" in a way that most people wouldn't have the strength to do.

Then Tessa disappeared and I just didn't see her for awhile. I remember when she resurfaced, she was going to Europe to study and then later I found out she was going to UC Irving.

I mean, this woman, in my mind, was incredible. People that just shine with a never ending passion for life, particularly in the face of adversity, never stop inspiring.

Now, I never knew that she had brain cancer. When I found out that she passed away, I could not stop thinking that life is not fair. People like Tessa just can't die. They need to continue to spread the passion and joy that they have for life, because they are just such a rare find. Then I read this entry, and it just blew me away. A woman who can carry herself like she did despite all this adversity is just awe-inspiring. I started crying when I read this. I really would like for you to read the article, even if you don't know her. I just feel like Tessa's life needs to be witnessed by others so they can understand what it is to truly have a passion for life.

RIP Tessa Oberg.

Day One of Math Grad School Prep Classes: I misread the schedule, show up late, and realize I have fucked up.

Yep. I missed the first lecture. I suck I suck I suck. Ahhhhhh. God this one simple thing I couldn't do.

Okay, dusting myself off and going to the lunch at noon.

Well. It happened.

I moved.
I couch surfed for two weeks.
I quit my job.

And now...I'm here in Bloomington, IN.

It's funny. For a long time, I thought I would just be ready for this. Now I'm here and I keep wondering when I get to go back to Chicago.

Not that there is a single thing wrong with Bloomington. I already have a group of friends that I had over last night for wine. It was great times. They are wonderful people and I am certain they will be very helpful in my adjustment back to school.

It's just...I'm not in the "thick of it" anymore. I'm removed from the crazy life I had in the city, and I guess that's what I'm adjusting to. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to live in Chicago when I finish here.

I also lack motivation to study. I get frustrated, wonder why I don't remember this, don't know the next step then lose motivation.

I am going to New York City TOMORROW and I am hoping that I will feel motivated when I get back.

I cannot WAIT to go to New York again. I have tickets for Midsummer's Night Swing at the Lincoln Center AND to the Village Vanguard on FRIDAY. I am SO SO SO excited.

So...here I am.

The boxes are almost all packed, and I'll be moving all my stuff to Indiana in just a few short days.

Crazy. Where did this year go?

I feel like I have grown up so much since June 1, 2008, when I first moved into this apartment. I accept more things in life and I am a little more mature to deal with the things that come my way.

Not to mention...I've had the time of my life ever since I finished applying to graduate school and breaking up with Greg. I want to write a book about all the crazy things I did out here in Chicago.

I think it was really great that I took a year off. I really truly know that I want to be in graduate school, and I really know where I want my life to go. 5 years from now, I'd like to think I'd be a quantitative analyst at a major corporation. In Chicago or New York City.

After I move, I'll be couch surfing for 2 weeks. Should be gooooooood times. I don't quit my job until July 10. I have been so successful with my short career...I can't believe I'm leaving it all behind...

I have been doing alot of thinking lately, which I think is driven by the fact that my life is going to change dramatically again.

My motto in life has been to "keep moving forward." Life doesn't just stop when you are faced with challenge, and so I have found that this little mantra is a good way for me to not get bogged down by road bumps.

So with this, I started thinking about graduate school...and it is another one of those rare opportunities to completely start my life over. Sure, I have met a few people down there now, but none of them Really know me yet. I want to think that graduate school will be the opportunity for me to blossom into the person that I have always wanted to be.

Living in Chicago this past year, I have come to realize some of the issues that I had growing up are still impacting my young adult life. There are alot of things that I'm willing to accept in life that I shouldn't, and alot of things that make me feel very awkward that shouldn't. I grew up as a social reject, and I quit high school early because I couldn't take the atmosphere anymore. The way that I am socially is very much impacted by this. I have spent my life more focused on my academics/career/health rather than my social interactions. I feel like I am deficient in my social interactions sometimes because I lack a maturity and confidence that was beaten out of me growing up.

I think alot of people have these issues too. At least, I think the people that I am closest too are also like this...which is why I think I am close to the people that I am close to. I know everyone grows out of this with time, but I would really like to feel like I "own" this issue by the time I get out of school.

So this has come to surface for me lately, and I'm trying to decide how I'm going to move forward with this. I know alot of you out there have faced this as well, and I'm wondering what you think about this. If the answer is as simple as, "Well, once you get out of your early 20s you'll be over it" then that's great...but I am just looking for an insight on your experience I guess.

Also -

Listen to this: St. James Infirmary

I have recently fallen in love with 1920s/30s hot jazz. Yesssssss. I choose this song to share with you because I think a swing/jazz/blues fan can easily relate to it and is a good jump off point into the world of Red Hot Jazz.

I was just rereading some of my past entries from this year, and it's really crazy everything that has happened.

At this point in my life, I don't know if I am destined to have things constantly change or if this is a sign that I'm just in my early 20s. Perhaps someone could offer me some insight here.

I think about the past year, and when I was just moving to the city. I was pretty sure that I had everything figured out. I wanted to go to grad school so I could get my degree and work in academia. Somehow, that goal shifted. I still want to work in academia, but not right away. I get an adrenaline rush out of the corporate world sometimes and I like a steady paycheck.

When I think about what my life will be like in the next 10 years, I cannot see myself settling. I don't think I'm going to get married, and I don't think I'm going to live anywhere for more than 3-4 years at a time. I see my life as a balance of being connected to everything but never deeply rooted anywhere. I have yet to decide if this is a good lifestyle, but it feels like what I'm programmed to do.

I have lived in Champaign for 3 years and Chicago for 1. I loved both. I already feel like I belong in Indiana, and yet I cannot stop thinking about where I want to live next. I just can't settle for anything. I think I will come back to Chicago eventually, but maybe after I do a stint in New York.

It seems like the ultimate goal we are programmed for in life is to find what you are good at and do that and settle down. I am starting to question if that's really what it has to be. There are jobs and tasks that keep me mentally stimulated for awhile, and then they lose their appeal. I just want to continually find those things that excite me and challenge me, and I want to move on when they lose their appeal. Is that weird?

One thing that I'm confident in is that math grad school is the right decision. I will suffer every day that I am in grad school for my art, and yet I know that I will never be bored. Math is like the one thing that just never gets old.

I dunno. Just thinking out loud here. Interested in hearing people's opinions on this.

Wow. I love life.

This was by far the craziest week I have had in awhile. I was up until 1am almost every night being social, and sometimes drunk. Getting up at 6am is very difficult when you do this.

Thursday I ran the Chase Corporate Challenge!!! It's a 3.5 mile race. I am usually a 10 minute miler, and I started out at like 10 minute miles but then I kicked it up and I would think I ended up average 9 minutes and 15 seconds per mile when all was said and done. It was such a fun race. There were 17K people there!!! I had such a great time that I signed up for another one on July 4th, which I ran 2 years ago. It's about 5 miles. Man. I can't believe I ran that race 2 years ago. Time really flies.

Last night I went out and had a crazy drunken night. It was crazy, maybe a little too crazy...nah.

I have been hanging out with a lot of new people recently. These people include directors of major companies (regulars at my local bar), a bartender, a musician, a professor, a professional dominatrix and an engineer. Yes yes, variety is the spice of life.

I have come to realized I have been blessed with a gift of social networking, and I'm going to try to use this to my advantage in New York. There is a very specific internship that I'm trying to get, and I think I can network my way to it. I have already potentially networked my way to this position at my current company...but only time will tell and you gotta get all the connections you can.

I am having so much fun in my current life that I am still having trouble believing that I could move away from all this. On the other hand, I am so excited for the new experience that waits for me. I think my body will appreciate the sobriety too. I need to quit drinking so much.

Holy Hell.

Next month, I won't be living here anymore. At the end of next month, I am starting a new life again.

How did I get here?

Up until today, I have been thinking that this "new life" is far off in the distance. Suddenly I realize I really need to get my shit together because I'm moving soon.

It's amazing to think I would leave the great life I have right now. But it's only going to get better from here...

I woke up in the middle of the night in the most excruciating pain, and I thought my legs were going to snap. I really do not think I've had cramps this bad in my calves ever.

Kids: Don't forget to stretch after you run. Because when think that it doesn't matter, your body will get pissed and retaliate.

Lately, I haven't been able to sleep. Every year, I go through cycles of being able to sleep and not being able to sleep. It's been fairly remarkable since I moved here that the bad sleep nights have not been as frequent as they were when I was in college. I could never sleep when the pressure was on me in college.

Lately though, I can't sleep because there is so much pressure on me at work and my other-than-work life. I keep working 11-12 hour days, I am often work for a bit on the weekends. I have def. become one of those people who are obsessed with their job, but on the flip side: I don't really have a choice. There has been so much pressure on me lately to get so many things done, and there's no way I can keep my good reputation if I don't work constantly. We are short in staff, and that's essentially why my work load is so unusually high. I am also the most experienced person on my team now, and one of the best person in the whole department with excel, so I think I am expected to do a little more. I really hope that a promotion will come out of this soon. The thing is though...this is how it is Everywhere. No one is hiring, and everyone is understaffed. I can't think of anyone who I've met who doesn't feel overworked. So if you don't have a job, you are desperately looking for a job...and if you have a job, you are thankful but secretly would like to quit. Sign of the times.

In my personal life, there are a few struggles I am dealing with. I am trying to study for qualifying exams, and I don't want to. My friend Ameer just got me (printed out from the internets) a new abstract algebra text, so I think that will motivate me again. My last algebra text was SO SO SO bad. But there's SO MUCH I need to study, and I am amazed that I was ever smart enough to know all this material. You ever feel that way? On the other hand, I have met so many people since I've moved here, and they are asking me to hang out...and I want to do that because I know my time here is short, and I want to maximize the time that I have with people that I enjoy being with. And I don't feel like studying anyways.

Sigh. On the bright side, I got my moving details worked out. The end of June will be an extremely stressful time for me, because I will be moving in the period of 2 weekends and then I will have a job and no where to live. I think I can squat at my Etown apartment...but it will still be stressful.

Honestly though, I really do like the company that I work for. The people are second to none, and I feel so fortunate to have such a great group of coworkers that make me laugh through all the pressure we are constantly under. I will miss them very much and I hope I never lose touch.

In some ways, I feel like I'm graduating college again, although this transition is going much smoother than college. I was Freaking Out when I graduated because I didn't think life existed after undergrad. I now understand that life really begins after you graduate...and I'm so excited about the next phase of my life.

So prior to getting into grad school, I couldn't see my future past grad school. Now that I know that I will go to grad school, I have been thinking about the next steps. I want to move to New York City next summer for an internship. I am going to New York this summer for vacation by myself, and I am going to try to network my way into a kickass quantitative analytics internship for next summer. I am completely obsessed with this idea, and I will start applying for internships after I take my first qualifying exam in August (ie I will start applying August 28th). I love the intensity of Chicago, and I think the intensity of living in Manhattan would be even more exciting. I can't get enough of downtown Chicago, riding the El, everyone trying to get somewhere. It's never a dull moment.

Life is so exciting. I look at where all the people I knew 4 years ago are now, and it's just amazes me what can happen in such a short amount of time. If you are reading this, I also feel fortunate to have been able to keep in contact with you and see everything you are doing...